You don't understand me!
Have you ever had an argument with your partner, a business friend, a salesperson, or a customer? If so, this sentence was probably thrown out at some point during the heated argument: "You don't understand me!" This is usually used as a cudgel to accuse the other person of either being obtuse or having no interest in their own point of view. It is therefore an assignment of blame. So, is the other person too stupid to follow our ingenious reasoning? Can it be that easy? Let's look at what actually happens in a conversation and how a good dialogue succeeds.
Participating instead of being right
A conversation, even an argument, is a communication process. The word communication means participation, exchange, connection - and not being right in every case. However, some people misunderstand this. They only consider a conversation to be good if the other person gives up their point of view and submits to their own opinion. If they don't, it's clear: "You can't have a conversation with them!" Unfortunately, this realisation lands you in a dead end - you can't go any further, the connection is broken. Many salespeople, recruiters and managers regularly fall into this trap. They lose sight of the actual goal. They want to defeat the other person in conversation instead of winning them over to their product or business idea. Paul Watzlawick, the Austrian psychologist and communication expert, has left us valuable principles that we can use to prevent and improve conversations.
We are always communicating
Even when we don't speak, we express ourselves through our behaviour. Our body language communicates how we feel, and this is read by others. Crossed arms and a pinched facial expression make it difficult for the other person to engage with us. A friendly smile, on the other hand, makes you likeable even before the first word has been spoken.
Have you ever checked in the mirror what message you are sending out?
Factual and relationship level
In a conversation, we communicate on an emotional level. This is where we sense the other person and decide whether we like, trust, reject or exercise caution. This level is more important than the factual level, where we exchange information, clarify facts and discuss issues. If the relationship level is disturbed, factual dialogue also becomes difficult.
What do you do in your conversations to make the other person feel comfortable around you?
Cause and effect
A conversation often starts out neutral or friendly, but suddenly the tone becomes sharper and the situation tense. Why is this? We say something based on our world view and unconsciously expect the other person to see things the same way. But that's not the case, his response is accordingly, which in turn doesn't please us. Every statement we make has an effect and is therefore the cause of the other person's reaction, which then again has an effect on us.
Do you pay attention to the causes you set for the other person?
Sender and receiver - is the frequency right?
We know this from radio and TV: if the receiver is not set to the frequency of the sender, the sender can send signals, however strong they are, but nothing reaches the receiver. It's no different with algorithms on the Internet. Retailers offer you what you are interested in, and social media shows you the messages you have been interested in in the past. If we want to achieve something in our conversations, then the responsibility for the communication process lies with us. Then we are the sender and must adapt to the receiver.
Can you put yourself in the other person's shoes? Do you endeavour to speak in such a way that the other person understands you?
Even if the spirit of the times propagates total individualisation, we are social beings and depend on each other. We have to deal with each other - especially in our business. Perhaps these thoughts have helped you to have even smoother conversations in future and to deal with each other even better.
